"It's now 1990. I'm forty-three years old, which would've seemed impossible to a fourth grader, and yet when I look at photographs of myself as I was in 1956, I realize that in the important ways I haven't changed at all. I was Timmy then; now I'm Tim. But the essence remains the same. I'm not fooled by the baggy pants or the crew cut or the happy smile—I know my own eyes—and there is no doubt that the Timmy smiling at the camera is the Tim I am now. Inside the body, or beyond the body, there is something absolute and unchanging. The human life is all one thing, like a blade tracing loops on ice: a little kid, a twenty-three-year-old infantry sergeant, a middle-aged writer knowing guilt and sorrow,"(236).
As I look back on my own life and think of the lives of others, there are striking characteristics that remain static throughout the course of our lives. While I clearly didn’t know her as a child, my grandmother was the kindergartner sitting in the corner smiling shying. She would always know the answer but would never speak out, for a fear of being misunderstood. My mother was the first-grader who would receive that highest grades on spelling tests, but would still feel a sense of inadequacy. She was a book worm, I’m sure, consumed by the pictures of children’s books and she was unafraid of spiders and worms as she trudged through the woods of her backyard. This is all speculation, of course, but I can deduce these descriptions of my mother and grandmother from knowing them now- because, in essence, we all have certain characteristics that define us as individuals.
This being said, I do not agree with O’Brien’s assertion that “the human life is all one thing.” Perhaps for some people, they remain exactly the way they were from the moment they were born. Their outlook on life is exactly the same, the characteristics of their soul unchanging. However, most individuals experience changes due to unexpected events or troubles in their life that alter, even slightly, the way they act, feel, and look at the world as a whole. For example, there is a picture in my room of my mom and me standing in front of a rhododendron bush. I see in my blue-brown spotted eyes many parts of the girl I am today- I was and am jealous, stubborn, impatient, unable to make a decision between the blue and pink toothbrush at the dentist’s office, loyal, compassionate, optimistic, unfortunately judgmental, and likely to change my opinions about people, the world, and myself in an instant. However, while core parts of me remain, the way in which my mind works has changed dramatically since the instant that picture was snapped.
At age six, I was perhaps the sloppiest, most careless person in my kindergarten class. Smears of crayon found their way outside of the lines, and somehow coats, jackets, socks, hair brushes, shoelaces, stuffed animals, and other necessities of a six-year-old were left stained, torn, misplaced, and entirely abused. However, I am today a borderline obsessive compulsive “neat freak.” I am not this way simply because “I learned better," but there is actually a feeling inside of me the drives me to take special care of each and every one of my possessions.
Additionally, I was painfully shy, quiet, and refined in elementary school. I would raise my hand patiently in class as ten other children shouted aloud around me. I am, to some extent, still very refined and quiet. I am “hyper” only with my closest of friends and those I feel comfortable being silly around. However, somewhere along the road I acquired a love of the spotlight. This caused an actual change within me. This comes from my experiences as a dancer and stage performer. I have shed a huge amount of self-consciousness that I was plagued with as a child, and I thrive on the opportunity to be noticed.
As a child growing up in a household with separated parents, I learned the realities of love and marriage and I learned that the truth of life did not lie in Disney movies. This realization caused me to become self-sufficient and I have within me a drive to succeed so I never in my life have to depend on someone else. Had a continued to grow up in a “perfect” household, I would not be as nearly self-sufficient as I am today and I would be sheltered from some harsh realities of life.
My parents have instilled in me important values and the difference between “right and wrong” which account for my incredibly loud conscious. This conscious often forces me to act in a certain way in a given situation. Is this instance, I have not actually changed characteristically, but rather I have advanced as a human being and my awareness of the needs of others.
Therefore, characteristically I am the same that I have always been, but the way I act and the way I feel in different situations has certainly changed drastically due to life’s experiences. Life is not so much “a blade tracing loops on ice,” but rather, a blade tracing a zigzagging, curving, spiraling picture drawn across the ice. Life is a collage of one's static characteristics, as well as one's growth and change.
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9 comments:
I completely agree with what you've said and just want to congratulate you on a great blog. This is exactly what I was trying to convey in my own blog but couldn't find the words. It's true, life is a collection of experiences that change us partially if not completely. Maybe O'Brien's statement was true for him, but it does not apply to the majority of the people I have encountered. What a scary place the world would be if all adults had the same personalities as they had as children.
Additionally, I just want to tell you that I loved the line "unable to make a decision between the blue and pink toothbrush at the dentist’s office." The specific example serves to illustrate your indecision. Not only that, but it's a cute example and it made me smile because I can definitely relate. Fortunately, the dentist now chooses for me.
If you did not know your grandmother in her youth, how do you know that, "She would always know the answer but would never speak out, for a fear of being misunderstood." How do you know that your mother received high grades on spelling tests?
What proof do you have that your mother was a "book worm"?
You continue, "but I can deduce these descriptions of my mother and grandmother from knowing them now- because, in essence, we all have certain characteristics that define us as individuals." What behaviors do your mother and grandmother exhibit that convince you that they were the way you described earlier as well as knowing you all three specific characteristics?
Yesterday-Thank you very much, I really appreciate the support :] The world would be very scarey if we all had the personalities that we had as children! Experiences certainly change us, especially if we let them. I felt like O'Brien never truly tried to become another person. He may have thought he did, but he didn't seem to learn greatly from his experiences with Linda.
And...youre so lucky that the dentist chooses for you. They add more colors everytime I go :]
Hi Teach!-My mother and grandmother have very specific characteristic qualities that I am certain have always been part of them just based on stories I've heard that have allowed me to deduce what they were like as children. For example, my grandmother falls very politically similar to me: liberal, but more towards the middle on the political spectrum. My grandfather, on the other hand, is as conservative as conservative gets. He is the classic southerm Republican. So, during family political discussion she is reserved, saying very little, but when she does say something it is incredibly thought-provoking and typically makes a lot of sense. So, from experiencing situations like this and from hearing stories about her childhood, I know she is not at all confrontational and she was probably like this as a child in school.
My mother, on the other hand, does not give herself enough credit for how smart she is. She is a perfectionist, and has passed that on to me to some extent. As a child, she had a less-than-favorable relationship with her parents so she would either spend hours outside with friends or would jump into a book for hours on end. She is still an avid reader today. She reads even more when she's angry, sad, or frustrated. I suppose it's a form of escape. I also know that my mom used to study for hours for school and she still has exceptional spelling today, so I am certain she did very well on spelling tests :] Thank you for the comment!
Ah, your details provide a much better picture of your mother and grandmother. :)
I wonder why you choose "characteristic" in the sentence below instead of "character."
"My mother and grandmother have very specific characteristic qualities that I am certain have always been part of them just based on stories"
What kinds of books does your mother read?
I'm glad I provided some clarification!
I think the word "characteristic" better emphasizes that fact that these are traits that belong specifically to my grandmother and mother.
My mom reads EVERYTHING! She actually likes to read a lot of the books that we read in class as I'm reading them. Right now though she's reading a book called Founding Mothers, although she typically doesn't read much historical fiction. She likes fiction better than nonfiction and will read anything from the typical, relaxed "beach book" to the most complex Russian novel.
Thanks again for the comments!
Is the book Founding Mothers by Cokie Roberts? I enjoyed it.
I'll have to think about your word choice, "characteristic." :)
Yes! That's the book!
I "read" the audio version, narrated by Roberts. It was delightful.
Roberts has a new book out (4/08) entitled Ladies of Liberty
I hope to find the audio version because I so enjoyed listening to Roberts narrate Founding Mothers
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